20.12.24
Hi there.
Wow, exactly a month later, what a coincidence. Anyway.
First semester of school ended. I never liked how fast time flies by. I remember noticing how time started to feel faster in second grade and since then it's always been a dissapointing experience noticing time. I started to think much less about suicide lately, I hope it stays that way. But still have problems with emotional numbing which frustrate me. Imagine you have the most dream-like, fiction-like experience you could even imagine in real life and you feel nothing about it. I mean, from recounting it, it sure sounds wholesome as fuck. But in the moment the emotions feel so foggy that you can't recall them from memory at all. Knitted bunnies for a few people. Came out like shit in my honest opinion, but I tried my best. I've never done any embroidery or sewed anything and I don't really have help on that matter so, it is what it is I guess.
The sessions with therapist are kinda confusing? I think I keep zoning out all the time and I have difficulty keeping up with understanding what she's saying. Don't really know how to fix this, will wait and see.
20.11.24
Hello.
I kind of forgot about this website due to school and I've also just felt intimidated by the need to figure out the whole thing with html and styling and I don't want to spend too much time on this. So you know what? I won't spend too much time. It's supposed to be my little bitty island in the vast ocean of internet and I'll keep it as simple as I want so I don't burn out and forget about it completely. Maybe with time I'll add bits IF I want to. If I don't want to it's totally okay, I'll keep it as it is.
I've been struggling with suicidal ideation for a year now for almost every day, so I think it won't go "away" by itself and it's quite serious. Finally took time to look for therapist and found one that I think will be a good fit and is affordable for me. Sadly I have to cut it only 1 time a month, but it's much better than 0 times a month. And honestly I am really excided. I want to look into my brain in detail and get why I act in a certain way. I don't hope to "heal" my suicidal ideation. I don't think it's wrong in itself, everyone should be given the liberty to think what's better for them themselves. What drove me to get help is the fact that I can't kill myself even though I really want to because it will make people sad. So I have to be sad instead of them. And sometimes days get so bad that I feel like it's literal torture that I can't escape. That is wrong. That made me seek therapy. Because there would be only one outcome if I didn't get help. The days would get so bad that I would not be able to tolerate it and kill myself and make people sad. I don't want people to get sad. I don't want to cause them trauma and hurt. But I also don't want to suffer that much everyday simply by just living.
You could say "You can't have a cake and eat it". But I'll try. Even if in the end it doesn't work out and people will get sad, at least I tried my best and fought for them really hard.